We are just hours away from celebrating Christmas and in the hustle and bustle of the preparations I have been pondering tradition.  Family traditions are shared experiences that are repeated over time. Traditions become part of a family’s shared memory and history, and typically draw the family members closer to each other.

But what happens when the member of your family who is the driver or keeper of the traditions passes away?  My mom passed away in 2014.  In our family she was the keeper of our many holiday traditions.

Just a week before our first Thanksgiving without her, my Dad, my brother, my sister-in-law and I were discussing what to do.  We had always held the meal at my mom and dad’s house.  For the first time in more than 40 years we were considering going to someone else’s house or finding a buffet somewhere.  My nephew, who was six, overheard us talking and said, “We always have Thanksgiving at grandma’s house.  I don’t want to go somewhere else.”  We looked at each other and decided we would try.

My dad and I had helped my mom prepare the turkey before, but we had never done this task alone—and quite frankly it had us worried.  Because of the short time frame, we hatched a plan.  There was a turkey in the freezer that my mom had purchased before she passed.  While neither of us had cooked a turkey in the oven—every Fourth of July for more than 20 years my dad cooked turkey on the grill for our annual family reunion.  I said to him, “How would you feel about pulling the grill out and grilling our Thanksgiving turkey?”  He agreed and that Thanksgiving we had grilled turkey with all the Thanksgiving trimmings!  We have since figured out how to cook the turkey in the oven and we have been refining our skills with the help of my Aunt.  It may not have been the traditional way to prepare the bird, but we were able to maintain the traditional location and experience for my nephew.  We continue to host Thanksgiving at my Father’s home.

Those first few years after my mom passed, at Christmas time, I tried to maintain as many traditional foods and activities as possible.  I baked cookies, and planned appetizers, made sure relatives got Christmas cards, and tried to be fancy with my gift giving.  I learned very quickly that being the keeper (or maintainer) of traditions is exhausting and sometimes all the work, time, and money goes unnoticed or unappreciated.  I have humbly learned that I am NOT my mother.  I had to sort through our traditions and keep only the ones that were most important to me.  Other traditions have shifted slightly—and, of course, we have created some new traditions.

My mother loved the movie White Christmas.  Over the years I watched it with her many times—both the movie and the play.  I have often said it isn’t Christmas without a little Bing Crosby singing White Christmas.  After her death, it was too difficult to watch the movie or even listen to the song.  I would change the station when it came on the radio.  In 2017, I worked up the courage to watch the movie and I decided to put up my Christmas tree at the same time.  Soon I found myself singing along to the familiar tunes and I felt closer to my mother.  It has become my new tradition to watch White Christmas while decorating.  Part of our tradition, different, but part of our tradition just the same.

Maybe traditions were meant to change over time.  As significant people in our families leave us—we are left with a hole in our hearts and our holidays.  Maybe it is okay to let some things go or allow them to morph into something slightly different.  Those traditions become uniquely associated with that loved one–creating a treasured memory of just that person.  New traditions, or new versions of traditions, emerge and become uniquely associated with remaining family members.

Here are a few other thoughts about reconstructing traditions after the loss of a loved one.

• Don’t put the pressure on yourself to maintain every family tradition in its original form.
• If a young child is involved and there is a specific tradition that is important to him or her then focus on that one tradition in the year after a death, but also bring a new element into the holiday to create a new tradition.
• What traditions are important to you? Choose just one or two to carry on.
• Consider putting your own twist on a tradition—make it your own.
• Keep a holiday tradition journal where you can log activities and keep family recipes. Engage others in keeping the journal.  This journal can be a great comfort to others after a death.
• Keep telling stories of holidays past. Keep memories alive while making new ones.

To all those celebrating this holiday season with a hole in your heart—may you be surrounded by those you love, may you remember those you have lost, and may your traditions honor your past, but inspire hope and joy for your future.